Time for a Friday Funny…(yes, it’s a new theme for me)…enjoy!

Rich

In case you missed it, here is the video of President Bush, with a President Bush Impersonator….

Some very funny stuff!

As seen on Break.com

Here’s a funny little video I wrote and edited a couple of years ago. This one is called Weapons of Mass Destruction Breathspray. I wrote the script in my script/news writing class in a just few minutes, back in 2003 . Then, by chance, my wife needed a video script to create a commercial of some kind for her cinema history class. Pulled this script out, and her classmates shot it one Saturday afternoon. I edited it for them. I think it’s cute…off color, but cute. Enjoy.

Comments welcome.

Rich

Got this on my e-mail today… Thought I’de share. Nobody quite puts it like George Carlin.

“Been sitting here with my ass in a wad, wanting to speak out about the bullshit going on in New Orleans. For the people of New Orleans… First we would like to say, Sorry for your loss. With that said, Let’s go through a few hurricane rules: (Unlike an earthquake, we know it’s coming)

#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that…Get the hell out.
Don’t blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn’t said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out… if you didn’t, it’s your fault, not theirs. (We don’t want to hear it, even if you don’t have a car, you can get out.)

#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn’t do this, it’s not the Government’s fault you’re starving.

#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some.
(Remember, shoes, TV’s, DVD’s and CD’s are not edible. Leave them alone.)

#2b. If the local store has been looted of food or water, leave your neighbor’s TV and stereo alone. (See #2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a mandatory
evacuation, doesn’t give you the right to take their stuff…it’s theirs, not yours.

#3. If someone comes in to help you, don’t shoot at them and then complain no one is helping you. I’m not getting shot to help save some dumbass who didn’t leave when told to do so.

#4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your belongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want them, let them have them and hopefully they’ll die in the filth. Just leave! (It’s New Orleans, find a voodoo warrior and put a curse on them.)

#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino.. Also, my tax money shouldn’t go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn’t build your house on quicksand would you? You want to live below sea-level, do your country some good and join the Navy.

#6. Regardless of what the Poverty Pimps Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton want you to believe, The US Government didn’t create the Hurricane as a way to eradicate the black people of New Orleans; (Neither did Russia as a way to destroy America). The US Government didn’t cause global warming that caused the hurricane (We’ve been coming out of an ice age for over a million years).

#7. The government isn’t responsible for giving you anything. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for what you want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring, get a damn job and stop spooning off the people who are actually working for a living. President Kennedy said it best…”Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”

Thank you for allowing me to rant.

This story is REALLY for the doomers out there…

Rich

Source

Nation’s Leading Alarmists Excited About Bird Flu
February 2, 2005 | Issue 41•05

WASHINGTON, DC—The avian influenza virus, a mutant flu strain that has claimed the lives of 31 people in Eastern Asia since it was first observed passing from birds to humans in 1997, has the nation’s foremost alarmists extremely agitated.

Representatives from the Alarmist Council.
“Right now, the bird flu is just a blip in the newspapers, but if the avian influenza virus undergoes antigenic shift with a human influenza virus, the resulting subtype could be highly contagious and highly lethal in humans,” Matthew Wexler, the president of the National Alarmist Council and one of the nation’s leading fear mongers, said Monday. “My professional opinion, and more importantly, my personal belief, is that this is a cause for great national alarm.”

Wexler’s sentiments were unanimously upheld by members of the alarmist community.

“The bird flu could cause a global influenza pandemic similar to the Spanish Flu that killed more than 20 million people in 1918,” medical alarmist Dr. Preston Douglas said. “Many experts also believe a major global flu outbreak to be imminent, if not—God forbid—already underway. Why, recent observation and documentation has recorded at least one case of human-to-human transmission of a rare strain of the avian influenza virus. If this one case is proof that the animal virus is mutating into a contagious, lethal human virus, then the entire world is basically doomed. Doomed!”

Douglas is best known for his brilliant alarmist analyses of flesh-eating bacteria, Ebola, and SARS—all of which he successfully developed into topics of major international trepidation.

Bird flu was first identified as a strain of infectious influenza in Italy in the early 1900s. Of the 15 subtypes, only subtypes H5 and H7 are known to be capable of crossing the species barrier from birds to humans. The first human outbreak, which occurred in Hong Kong in 1997, killed four people. Since then, the bird flu has remained a relatively minor virus, killing fewer individuals than common-cold variants. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have issued neither an epidemic warning nor a public-health alert in connection with bird flu.

According to leading alarmists, the CDC’s lack of immediate concern is a cause for alarm.

“So, basically, the CDC doesn’t have the first inkling of what to do about a potentially explosive form of flu that infects ducks and chickens,” said Fox News Science, Health, and Epidemics Commentator Marylinne Kent. “Given the popularity of these two birds as a food source among Asians, and the fact that we have no idea how many undocumented Asians have settled illegally in our nation, the potential for danger is extremely high.”

“I urge you all to think of your families,” Kent added.

Harold Jefferson, a founding member of the American National Citizen’s Institute for Alarm, read from a prepared statement Tuesday.

“We have to face the facts: This isn’t just a rapacious killer that could be incubating anywhere within our borders and for which there is no known cure,” Jefferson said. “It is also an indicator of the profound indifference of millions of American citizens. Mark my words: People who aren’t scared now will look pretty stupid if it turns out that they should have been.”

Jefferson added: “The bird flu could someday claim as many lives as Mad Cow Disease.”

Ruth Herrin, the New York Post’s veteran panic expert, has relied heavily on information provided by alarmists in the scientific community.

“Listen, I’m no disease expert,” Herrin said. “But I know that people should be warned about global devastation any time a devastation scenario can be extrapolated from an actual news report. And for the 16th consecutive month, that time is now.”

None of the nation’s 15,000 certified alarmists have offered a strategy to deal with a possible outbreak.

“Listen, finding cures is not my job,” Wexler said. “I just report the facts as best and as briefly as I can. Then I interpret them in what I, as an alarmist, believe to be the most effective fashion. And if what I perceive here is real—namely, a looming epidemic and an atmosphere of apathy and fatalism in the U. S. medical community—then we are facing Armageddon.”

As if we didn’t already have enough to worry about, with a record setting hurricane season, and Wilma about to strike from below (it’s all Venezuela’s fault), to flash flooding in the northeast, earthquakes all over the world, last year’s tsunami and earthquake menace, and even dogs and cats living together…NOW we have to consider the threat of the Undead in large metropolitan areas…

Source

EDITED TO ADD: Happy Halloween!

Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack
October 19, 2005 | Issue 41•42

PITTSBURGH—A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy and released Monday, indicates that the city could easily succumb to a devastating zombie attack. Insufficient emergency-management-personnel training and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the city at great risk for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according to the Zombie Preparedness Institute.

Pittsburgh, a prime target of the undead.
“When it comes to defending ourselves against an army of reanimated human corpses, the officials in charge have fallen asleep at the wheel,” Murphy said. “Who’s in charge of sweep-and-burn missions to clear out infected areas? Who’s going to guard the cemeteries at night? If zombies were to arrive in the city tomorrow, we’d all be roaming the earth in search of human brains by Friday.”

Government-conducted zombie-attack scenarios described on the State Department’s website indicate that a successful, citywide zombie takeover would take 10 days, but according to ZPI statistician Dr. Milton Cornelius, the government’s models fail to incorporate such factors as the zombies’ rudimentary reasoning skills and basic tool use.

“Today’s zombies quickly learn to open doors, break windows, and stage ambushes,” Cornelius said. “In one 1985 incident in Louisville, a band of zombies was able to lure four paramedics and countless law-enforcement officials to their deaths by commandeering an ambulance radio and calling for backup.”

ZPI researchers noted that tens of thousands of Pittsburgh citizens live in close proximity to a cemetery. This fact, coupled with abnormally high space-radiation levels in eastern Pennsylvania and ongoing traffic issues in the East Hills and Larimer areas, led Cornelius to declare the likelihood of a successful evacuation as “slight to impossible.”

“The designated evacuation routes would be hopelessly clogged, leaving many no choice but to escape by foot,” Cornelius said. “Add a single lurching zombie into that easily panicked crowd and you’ve got a nightmare scenario.”

Cornelius’ model shows that after the ensuing stampede, “the zombie could pick and choose his victims,” and predicts the creation of hundreds of new undead “in a single half-hour feeding frenzy.”

Pittsburgh’s structural defenses are particularly inadequate. The city’s emergency safe houses, established by a city ordinance in the early ’70s, lack even the most basic fortifications for zombie invasion.

Enlarge Image

Pittsburgh residents participate in a zombie-preparedness training exercise in 1998.
“Under the ordinance, wooden tool sheds and rusty station wagons are classified as adequate shelter,” Cornelius said. “But once dozens of zombies hungering for living flesh begin pounding on the walls and driving their half-decomposed fists through the windows, sheds and cars quickly give way.”

Federal Undead Management Agency spokesperson Dr. Sheena Aurora downplayed the ZPI report, arguing that zombies move slowly and can be easily overpowered. Aurora advised citizens to look over their shoulders frequently, adding that a large shopping mall can serve as a “long-term, even fun” refuge from zombies.

Such assertions alarm zombiologist Olivier Baptiste, who calls FUMA’s information “hopelessly outdated.”

“Dr. Aurora’s claims are based on decades-old zombie models,” Baptiste said. “Widely released evidence from recent years clearly shows that zombies can run just as fast, if not faster, than a living human.”

Added Baptiste: “That FUMA trains its field agents to shoot zombies in the torso, rather than the head, demonstrates just how out of touch the government is.”

Evans City, PA Police Chief Gino Fulci said zombie preparedness comes down to training on the local level.

“Children need to be taught from preschool that they might have to put a bullet between the eyes of their own undead mother,” Fulci said. “‘Destroy The Brain’ banners should be hung above the entrances of schools, churches, and town halls everywhere.”

Cornelius recommends that Pittsburgh residents prepare a “go-bag” containing a Glock 17 pistol and 50 rounds of ammunition. If leaving the house is not an option, Cornelius advises residents to barricade all first-story doors and windows, and have at least one method of suicide prepared, should zombies successfully breach the home.